I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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