I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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