i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
