You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
