I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
