You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
