Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
