i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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