u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
whose ass print is on the piano?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
