Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
