Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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