Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
