I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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