I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
