I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
