so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
