Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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