She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
