tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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