i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
