So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
