well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize