dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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