if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
