If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
