Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
