last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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