Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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