in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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