why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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