Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize