The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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