In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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