i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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