I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
