I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
