i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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