i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize