my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
