i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
