woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
