Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
