mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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