Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
