I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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