I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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