my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
