I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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