Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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