On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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