I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ketchup is God's man juice
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
