I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize