Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
