pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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