Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
