Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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