I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
