Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
