Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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