I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
