I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
