Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
