i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
