When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
