im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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